Hopeless Romantic or Just hopeless?

Well I was looking through some of my old things and found something I hadn't read in a while. It always touches me and it is really something I look forward to having one day the sooner the better is always good too.

I wonder how I made it through a day.
How did I settle for a world in shades of grey?
When you grow in circles, all the seasons look the same.
And you don't know why, and I looked into your eyes where the road stretched out in front of me and I realized.

I've never lived before your love.
I've never felt before your touch.
I've never needed anyone to make me feel alive but then again I wasn't really living.
I've never lived before you love.
I wanted more then just an ordinary life.

All of my dreams seemed like castles in the sky.
I stand before you and my heart is in your hands, and I don't know how I survived without your kiss.
Cause you've given me a reason to exist.
I've never lived before your love.
I've never felt before your touch.
I've never needed anyone to make me feel alive, but then again I wasn't really living.
I've never live before your love.

And I don't know why the sun decides to shine.
But you breathed your love into me just in time.
I've never lived before your love.
I've never felt before you touch.
I've never needed anyone to make me feel alive, but then again I wasn't really living.
I've never lived, I've never live before you love.

Now some people might call me a sap, or a wimp or just a plain sissy but what is wrong with wanting my this type of person in my life. It warms my heart just thinking about having that feeling in my heart. It is something I thought I once had but doesn't seem like I had this before because something like this just shouldn't end. I really would like to feel that kind of love again. It is weird it brings so much pain to be without it but I would strive for hours or weeks or months to fight for the way for the chance to have that again. Is it too much to ask for out of life to be happy with the one you love? I don't believe so. Love is the one thing that is always worth fighting for. Wars are started over love. Love perseveres when people give it the chance. It helps us maintain our purpose in spite of great difficulty. A song once said "Love can walk through fire without thinking.." and I believe that is true as well. I am willing to walk through fire if that is what it takes to get that kind of love. I will face any obstacle that is set before me to find and keep my love alive. I just hope the one that with whom I share that love with will do the same for me. I think that is the key to all relationships. Let me know what you think.

Marriage in God's Will: Permissive or Perfect?

I understand your trying to decide on whether our being together is permissive or perfect will. I already know the answer I think. It will be permissive. Any marriage is permissive. Marriage is an earthly desire that we choose for ourselves. That doesn't mean that God's doesn't have say in the matter. He may not even have a perfect match for us because the dynamics of any relationship would ultimately doom everyone to being everyone to only being able to full fill a permissive will. There won't be a perfect mate but God might have several good choices in mind for us. Any of these matches would be in God's perfect will. God mentions in the bible that a guideline for getting married is that you should marry another Christian. Although that isn't absolute law that must be followed. I know when I married Tiffany was the right choice. It very easy could have been a perfect match. I don't want to upset you but I was happily married to her. It was ultimately her choice to leave though and I was along for the ride. My future is pretty bleak that simply because I am not with a perfect match anymore that I can never get back into God's perfect will. I don't believe that God's perfect will is a rigid as that. It could have easily been that Tiffany was a permissive choice also. God's will bless your marriage even it is perfect or permissive. I do not regret my first marriage as God gave me 2 beautiful and wonderful children from it. I know that God's Blessing was in that marriage at one point or else I wouldn't have been blessed with them. I really can't believe that simply because I am divorced that I would be condemned to ever be in God's perfect will with someone else now.

I truly believe that God allows us to marry anyone that we desire and he would like us to follow the restriction of marrying another Christian but really more of advisement to the latter. Although I do believe that once two people are legally married then that will become God's will. He will place his blessing upon that marriage no matter what if we ask for it. I think he would even do that if a Christian would marry a non-Christian. God will place his stamp on it that no man should separate them and we can't take it upon ourselves to decide the it was not God's will. God's will is to get married and stay married. That is what will decide what is perfect or permissive. Perfection is after all a process to work towards. A marriage could start out as permissive but if both of us are in God's will then we will be able to work into God's perfect will and be stronger for it. If we get married and have GOD with us, he will guide us together how to stay in his will. It is us who will have to make God the center of our relationship and to keep us strong in our relationship. As long as we decide to work on our relationship, it will work out. Marriages are like engines. They only require a spark to get started but they will require maintenance you have to keep gas in it, you need to change the tires, check the oil, keep it from overheating among other things.

Drugs...What do we do?

Alright this is going to be a controversial issue but bear with me. Just to start out I want to say that I am just presenting data on how economist might want to help resolve the problems with illegal drugs. What should and what morally should done is not the purpose I am just presenting this to make some people think and possibly enlighten on ways to counter act the negative effects of illegal drug use.

Before people get on to me I want to say something that is true. There may be exception but generally this holds true. DRUGS ARE BAD!! The reasons are they destroy lives, families, lead to crime, cause death of innocent lives, increases AIDS among the population, costs taxes to punishes them and more taxes to support people who use them and get sick. Those are proven and are consequences no one really wants to have. For this discussion I am only going to touch on illegal drugs rather then nicotine or alcohol.

So with that said. Here is the idea. There are typically two types of drugs: soft ones, which are less addicting and hard drugs, which are very addicting and hard to get off of after your hooked.

Drugs are bad but how do you really get rid of them. Well drugs are still in use because someone is making money off them. If someone wasn't making a profit selling drugs then, chances are they would virtually be gone. No one will waste time making drugs if they are just going to sit around collect dust. How do you kill the market for drugs then? Some people might say. Well arrest all the drug dealers and people who make them. I am going to show you how while that might help it doesn't really affect the market for drugs. I will use supply and demand curves to try to help paint the picture I mean.




Diagram 1 for Soft Drugs



First to explain the chart for you non-economic majors. D1 is the demand curve (yellow), S1 is the supply curve (blue). The orange Equilibrium Price is where the S1 and D1 intersect. Equilibrium Price is the spot where business make transactions with no shortage or surplus left over.

So what is the significance of this chart well it shows that illegal drugs sell over a wide range of quantity and prices. Lets say there is a series of police raids on the drug dealers and they put some drug dealers out of business. Now we have to draw a new Supply curve which is S2 in red. The creates a new Equilibrium Price. Now most people assume a drug bust would hurt drug abuse but if you look after that happen the supply goes down and the curve shifts to the right. Although They still can sell drugs at a higher price which makes up for any loss of quantity sold.

Drugs were selling for less but greater quantities before but after fewer drugs were sold but for a higher price. In the end drug dealers did not have any reason to be bothered by the change in business.

What about the hard drugs though? Well lets think about this. All drug dealers want to get the soft drug users to become hard drug users. Why you might ask? Once your hooked you will always need to buy more drugs. You just became a very loyal and practically permanent customer. Hard drugs are for the people who are completely addicted. They aren't taking the drug for a high or recreation, they need the drugs because they need them to survive now. They have to get their fix or they have serious problems. They have lost all dignity for the most part because that has become their primary motivation and desire. These are the people who will kill, steal, murder, and rob others for money to continue paying the drugs. They are so consumed with drugs that they probably don't a very good job because who really is going to hire someone who is always in another world needing a fix. Obviously these people have very little chance of recovery so you might ask why bother trying to help or even care what they do. Soft drug users never think they will become a hard drug user because they might believe they are just too good or too smart to get hooked. Until it is too late of course. The same is true for any addiction whether it is smoking, gambling or drinking. You never think it will consume until it happens.

So if we can do something about these people maybe they wont have to steal or murder others for money to get drugs. When that comes down to saving a life of your son or daughter then it seems like a good idea.

Diagram 2 for Hard Drugs

This is the demand curve for hard drugs. What this says is no matter what the price these hardcore addicts are going to pay the price to get it. They need the drugs and they will do whatever they need to get it. Cost doesn't matter getting the drug is paramount in there mind.

So what can we do to help? Well one idea is to make drug clinics. You create a place where addict can go and sign up for a drug addict card so to speak. They check themselves in the clinic and they get their drugs free and they get access to people who can help them rehabilitate. Let me further explain here. These are not simply like soup kitchen where you come get your fix and leave. You check in and you stay there to get your drugs and you stay while your under the effect of the drug. You go through physical test and examines to determine if you qualify to deter people just from going for drugs and once your in you stay until you can come off and function without.

Yes. I can hear people yelling at me. They are probably saying "How are you helping out by giving these people drugs for free?"

Here is how: If they are getting them free then they don't have to kill or steal from anyone to get money to buy the drugs, so that reduces crime. Also, this gives the select few a chance to recover at the same time of keeping the hopelessly lost for roaming the streets causing people harm. Second, drug dealers like hardcore addict because they are always going to buy the drugs no matter what but if they addict are getting their drugs free then they aren't going to be buying drugs from the dealers. This is will hurt the drug business overall because hard drugs are the big sellers do the nature of the addicts. So if drug dealers aren't making any money selling drugs then drugs use will decrease because the supply will not be there.

Some people might be saying these addicts aren't going to get helped because your giving them what they want, where is their reason to quit if they are getting it free. Well not to sound cruel or evil but our target isn't really to help them. Chances are they will never recover but if it saves a life because those addict won't have to kill someone innocent for money then we did good. People might say well people will still do that. True your right it wont get everyone but it will get some. Right 100 percent of the addicts are like that. If we can cut that by 50 percent or even 75 percent then we have still accomplished something significant. Crime goes down which reduces the need for police and less deaths as a result of needing drugs. People are more safe in dark alley and parking lots because addict wont be roaming around trying to find something to steal for money because they get the drugs for free. The ends justify the means. It wont solve everything but it is a start.

This only helps reduce half the problem which is the Hard drug side. So what do we do about the soft drugs? Well here is another diagram to help me explain what might be one answer.



Diagram 3 for government Regulated Price Floor

Yes I can hear some yelling about to come but we legalize drug use. Yes I know what a horrible idea but bear with me. This is chart for Soft drug users. You can see drug dealers are working at Equilibrium Price and they are happy sitting right there.

Now though if we legalize it there will be more supply and it will be government regulated. Drugs will be clean and moderated under must stiffer standards and a set a legal age to use. Well the government sets a price floor or a tax on the drugs. Similar to alcohol or tobacco. The lowest you can sell the drug will be 6 dollars but all the drug dealers get is 4 dollars. (Granted I am using low number just as examples) The other 2 dollars goes to the government and to do what. Well we use that money to fund the Hard drug clinics. The drug dealers aren't getting rich but they are doing it legal so they wont be getting arrested and wont get shot and crime will be down because they wont be running from the law. People wont need to kill or steal to get drugs but they will have to pay the price and taxes to get it. The taxes go back into further decreasing the negative effect of drug abuse. There will still be a few exceptions there always are. Some people will still sell drugs off the black market but right now 100 percent of it is black market anyways. At least with government regulation it can be taxed and it use that money to further help and decrease crime.

I understand this might not be the most moral or philosophically right course but it is a course that could still have a positive affect on society. It could save lives and it might save your children's and families lives. Answers are out there to help the world. You might be only 1 person but one person if they work hard enough can change the world. I hope maybe this opens some eyes and at least gets you thinking that there might be a way to make things better and things will only get better after people take action and start learning on what can be done to help out the world.

Why Women are from Venus.

There was a book once called Men are from Mars, Woman are from Venus which I finding seems to be more accurate all the time. There are just times when I truly am just completely befuddled with some of the ways women think and react about some things.

 

What my rant about today really is this; I have had the experience that when I compliment someone lately about there looks or how beautiful they look, they seem to assume that I have no clue what I am talking about. They will say something like "Are you sure about that?" or "Are you blind?" and things similar to that. I don't know about you but if I say that then that is something I genuinely mean. I think it is just that women are being much to hard on themselves that they focus just on the flaws they think they have. I might not be a typical guy but I am guy and I do know what is attractive and sexy and cute. It just seems like women keep comparing themselves time and time again to someone who is assumed to be near perfect. Frankly these big celebrities are nice and have a good body but I wouldn't care to be with them any more or less. They are simply just different people and doesn't mean they turn me on more or I desire them anymore and for the most part I could not care less about who's who in Hollywood or Super models. I don't have a spark or that chemistry with people just because they have a perfect body. That would be much too shallow for me to ever consider.  

 

This is just how I am and I am sure there are others out there like me.  So I say to all you ladies that keep brushing off compliments and take them gracefully and take them at face value.  I know there are a lot of jerks who might just say anything to get a quick score but don't punish those guys who are truly kind and caring because of those jerks.  It makes me mad that so many generalizations go around that there aren't any "Nice" guys around and that nice guys finish last. That shouldn't be the case ever. I think that is simply the excuse for people to blame not finding the person who they truly are happy with. Don't settle for someone who is merely just there. Look for the one what actually is bring you joy and happiness on all levels. Love is not the place to settle for mediocre but something you should strive to excel in because love is the something that should last for a lifetime.

Newton's Law of Attraction applied to Personality Flaws

 

People sometimes tend to hide themselves and do this quite a deal more often online. We have a habit of not liking to admit our flaws. This might be because it makes us feels like failures or inadequate but that is hardly the case. Those flaws are just a part of whom we are and should just be accepted as to how things are.

 

There isn't any cosmetic surgery that can change or improve bad habits or personality traits that are undesirable.

 

Why do people fear to let others know exactly what so-called flaws they are?

 

Society might be partially to blame as the desire to find perfection becomes more all consuming. I think it is time that people start re-evaluating there life and traits.  Just because you think you have some flaw might not be all that might and doesn't mean that it is a weakness.

 

I, for example, think I suffer from laziness and procrastinate to much while those certainly can have the negative effects they are not flaws. It simply just how I am most comfortable operating. I might still have those qualities but when given the chance you can learn to prepare for them and use them to your advantage.  Some martial arts teach you to use your enemies strength against themselves in order to win a battle. Well I am suggesting you use your so called flaws against the enemies of yourself to turn them into advantages.

 

This may be easier said then done but there are always two sides of a coin so for every negative there is about something there is an equal and opposite positive. This is the nature of the universe.  Newton defined the laws of attraction himself and they tend to be rather universal. So why not be able to apply them to personality traits.

 

Laziness might cause you to be untidy but it could just be your body saying you need to take more breaks and not work so hard. It might also be your sub-conscious way of remind you to not let things get untidy so that you don't have to fight your laziness. 

 

Selfish is supposedly a bad thing but some things are worth being selfish over. If you just worked all day to make a cake for yourself, then you should have to fill guilty about not sharing it. That is a symbol of your hard work to treating yourself. I feel that people should actually give themselves a chance to be selfish. Giving and helping others is good and fine but you can't let forget to be true to yourself and just take time to have some "ME" time. I would say you should be selfish over your significant others as well.

 

I know some might say "Oh we have an open relationship."  That is all good for you all but I think being selfish over the one you love is a noble and great symbol of love. Your saying that you care for someone so much that you don't want to share that special intimates except with the one you cherish the most.

 

I remember a story about a home education class. A speaker had come to class one day and passed around a rose. She encourage each person to examine it and look over it, which they did and passed around the class of 30 or so people.  Now roses like any flowers are fragile and if you have 30 people passing it around prodding and examining it. It will start to wilt and petals might fall off and the steam might break.

 

Once the rose reach the speaker again it didn't look nearly as lovely and pretty as it did when it had started.  She related that flower to love. If you pass it around too much it tends to wilt and break and lose some of the qualities that make it cherished. I think this also demonstrates a good way to be selfish about your loved one.

 

I am sure if you really think about yourself and what your so called flaws are you might discover that they are not as bad as you once thought. Try to see the positive in those flaws because they are there. So embrace them and make them work for you.

Today...

Nothing too witty or smart today just a few things of what is going on with me. Currently I am going to school at Junior College working on business degree. I have already graduated from a technical school for electronic technology. Pretty much I could work on anything that has anything to do with electronics from house wiring to repair cell phones. I actually learned how to make a stun gun out of disposable camera's in school. Isn't knowledge cool?

Computers are my passion though. I have built my last 3 computers. All of which I still have. I wouldn't dare buy a pre-built from a company ever again like dell or whatever. Just too much hassle dealing with the tech support that isn't really helpful and too much trouble to have to send the thing off to have it repaired. You might say "Oh there is the Geek Squad these days!"
Well I would advise against that unless your really desperate. I have heard a few scary things about those geeks. Such as them trying to pull out video cards with out first removing the retaining screws. Ick! That would be painful to watch as much as imagine. I would eventually like to start my own business doing computer repair and possibly a little retail for computer parts in the town I live in.

For those that care, my divorce from the wicked witch is just about final. I will get the 15 days out of every month which comes out to 6 months out of the year. I have to pay 175 dollars in child support to the witch but I plan to come back and fight that when I am more settled. For those first time readers please note that I do not judge me to harshly by my referring to my ex. As a witch. Just is hard for me to think nicely about her when the last few years of your life had felt like Jerry Springer Episode. She might not be a bad person but to me that is what she has become. Anyways back on topic. I made out pretty well for a father to get so many days straight off especially in Texas which is very hard to win against a mother in. It is a good stepping stone for when I come back for more later though so I can't complain too much.

My children are getting smarter and bigger every day. I hate that I can be with them every day to play with them and read them bedtime stories. Be able to kiss them good night every single night everything a full time father is supposed to be able to do. It always makes me mad when I think about how much the wicked witch is depriving me of simply because she wasn't happy with our marriage. Her decision divided my time with my children and it is hardly fair that I should have to suffer for that. Guess I am preaching from my soap box now but that is just how I feel. It is just one of those things I guess.

Well, can't think of anything else to say at the moment. So have a great day and feel free to post comments as always.

Wild Rides

Most people would consider roller coasters fun. The speed, the shaking, the twists, turns, up and downs, and the heart pounding fun from it. When that roller coaster is Life though; Well that changes the fun and thrill of the ride. People enjoy having a nice smooth ride and not have unexpected pit falls. They like when the ride goes up but don't care for the downs. That is how my life feels sometimes. I feel like a roller coaster that has been spiraling downward, faster and faster for what seems endlessly, even worse it is through a dark tunnel and I rarely see the light at the end. Since the wicked witch a.k.a my ex wife left me torn and my life shattered that is how my life has seemed. I lost a lot of my passion for life and become lost and confused. I was desperately seeking something to fill that void. I never really found anything that helped too much. One day though I meet someone although it was online.

The thing about cyberspace is you can be anyone you want because it what seems to be the truth can be altered so easily. You can show only the part that you see. This can be done face to face to an extent and it is done but online it becomes so much simpler except to the most observant of people.

Back on subject though. As time went on I got even more desperate and lost more faith. I even questioned life it self sometimes. I wondered if it was really worth all the pain. Eventually I found someone who brought a faint light back into my world. The tiniest sliver of hope was realized once more and passion and ambition was seeping slowly back. I have always tried to be helpful regardless of how I felt and I always try to do what I can to help out those I feel have been treated unjustly but I am still a human and I make mistakes. Sometimes life just comes in and beats you down again to remind you that your really not in control. That tends to happen more then I would like sometimes and it usually means that I cut off people from even having a chance to talk to me. What can I say when your jaded like me, then it is extremely hard to trust people sometimes. I have neglected this blog recently but there are a lot of things I have neglected lately and I am trying to correct that failure. I have made mistakes and I hope to fix those as well. It wont be easy but it must be done. There is someone I greatly admire for being there for me even when I didn't make it easy. They have shared pain and heart ache with me and I had been scared to open up and let them in at times. They usually break through in time and help me to see what I have done wrong. I am sorry that I can be so difficult sometimes but such is who I am and not easily changed. I am truly thankful to have known them and sorry if I have ever caused them pain or sadness because of me.

I hope to start keeping this blog more up to date whether anyone reads or not I feel it is important that I use it to remind in the very least myself of how far I have come from a very dark place where I had dark clouds hanging above me daily.

Best Sense

Everyone knows that people have 5 senses in which they can experience life and all that jazz.

They are smell, touch, hearing, seeing and taste. People uses these senses almost everyday of their life unless tragedy robs a person of the ability to use one or more of them.

Although most people tend to forget how important and vital these senses truly are. They are taken for granted and become just another things to be used and not really appreciated and it is a shame when you think about it.

I ask you to take a moment and just rate the senses in order of importance and thinks of which senses you think are most valuable to a person.

This would be mine

1. Hearing
2. Seeing
3. Touch
4. Smell
5. Taste

Yes, I put hearing first. Most people might claim that SEEING should be first but I believe this to be false.

Seeing is a sense which can be turned off by closing your eyes and isn't used when you are asleep. Purely from a protective stand point you would be in trouble if you had just seeing to relay on, because when you close your eyes or sleep you would be vulnerable to danger. Seeing doesn't work nearly as well at night either. You can see shapes and movement at best and even then it is easily comprised if your nightvision gets disturbed. Seeing only works over a limited area. You can only look in one direction at a time and have to move your head to get a glimpse of everything that could bring harm.

Hearing, on the otherhand, can not be turned off unless you take rather drastic measure such as stuffing your ears with wax or what not and even then it isn't always completely off. Hearing also work from all directions. If you hear a sound behind you then you can usually figure out where the sound came from which is what helps you locate a friend calling your name in a crowd of people. Most people will even close there eyes in order to let hearing help even better to identify or pinpoint a sound. If you are sleeping and the fire alarm goes off, you will know your in danger. All while your eyes don't even have to be opened. Sound can travel threw objects and walls but you can't see through walls. So hearing is more beneficial because if someone was knocking at your door it would be from hearing the knock that you would know they were their, rather then seeing them knocking.

Hearing has no hindrance in daytime or nighttime. It works all the time and even in your sleep. This is extremely good proof I think that hearing is much more significant than seeing.

In the end they compliment each other but simply from a comparative state. Hearing takes the cake.

Sounds are very powerful. Songs can bring joy and tears, sounds can trigger fond memories while others can remind us of tragic ones. Sound can be used to see unborn children and to move air molecules so that your voice travels from person to person. So I ask you to take the time and use your greatest sense and enjoy all the sounds life truly has to offer.

If you have any other comments or feel I am wrong I would love to hear your comments. Have a great day.

Logic Defined...Kinda

What is logic? Websters would define logic like this.

1. 
   The study of the principles of reasoning, especially of the structure of propositions as distinguished from their content and of method and validity in deductive reasoning.
   
2. A system of reasoning: Aristotle's logic.
   
3. A mode of reasoning: By that logic, we should sell the company tomorrow.
4. The formal, guiding principles of a discipline, school, or science.

So which one of these definitions is right or are any of them truly right? The human mind is an extremely unique and still vastly unknown to the medical and scientific world.

We have very little idea how memories are stored, what controls instinct and senses. They can pinpoint sections that most likely control certain points and which chemicals are associated with some emotions but full understanding of how it works it still far far off.

I think logic is not relative but applies differently to everyone depending on culture, upbringing, tramatic events in their life, and a host of other situations, as well as what sex you are, and sexual orientation.

A few examples are this.

What compels one person to kill another? What logic is there for this action?

It could be self defense, jealousy, or some other reason but something takes place in the mind for it to be justified and overwhelm ethics and morals that should be screaming to the person "This is not right!" That is not always the case. Maybe they grew up in a hostile environment and feel you do what you do to survive no matter what.

There are some that would never want to cause harm at all. How can two people have stuff different definitions of the logic to do about murder? Obviously logic is warped here to a great extent.

Another example is religion. So many different beliefs and differences it is amazing anyone can even decide on just one. Most religions believe that you arent supposed to kill yet still can justify it with actions like criminal punishments, holy wars, self-defense, etc. How can a belief that says you should not kill yet still be able to do it be a logical?

It is isnt to me.

Men and women have enourmous differense in logic. Women tend to say one thing and mean another. They also try to read deeper into what men say then what a man intended. A man says one things and usually means just that while the woman thinks he is implying other things. A man doesnt always get deep and tries to keep things simple and figures the women understand but we come full circle and never solve anything. How is it men and women think so differently? Men and women are soo different they rarely get along for long periods of time.

It is simply amazing that the human race has such complete and totally different ways of thinking. So what is logic really?

Logic is merely the way you make decisions based on how your raised, where, when, how, sex, and thousand of others minute differences. There is no clear rules that bind us. Logic is useless as a whole because no one ever thinks exactly they same way.

If this is true though how is anyone can ever get along at all? Really I have no clue. Maybe it is just another great mystery of life that even though we never understand what people do what we do. It is amazing we haven't already killed each other off when you really think about it. Yet somehow we are still here although we could easily wipe ourselves out these days.

There is another logical quiz for you as I end. Where is the logic in humans who have so little logic to create weapons of mass destruction that will certainly wipe us out totally and completely? Someone's logic was flawed when they came up with that idea.

Well if at the very least maybe I made you think about the ways of the world. Maybe simply understanding that people are soooo different will give us all a little more chance to unite closer and better and just keep our logic confined and respect that everyone is truly different in all respects.

The Essence of my LIFE.

My life, my soul, my very essence is in turmoil. Most days I hide the pain and fear and anger well but I am always tormented, struggling and deeply depressed in how my life is going. I feel great overwhelming and very destructive despair and depression always threatening to consume me. It makes me feel worthless and begin to start believing life is not worth living. It is becomes on constant battle to find reason to keep going and to try to fight this battle of life. There are very few that can sooth my soul and give me reason to go on for one more minute or more day and one more week but always chasing and perusing me close at my heels is that despair and pain seeking to consume what little of myself I still have. I try to hide from it and run from it and overcome it. I can win small battles but small is all they are and each time I push it back from me. It comes crashing back down on me even harder laughing and gloating reminding me that I am losing. It seeks to not only destroy my life but to make me suffer every single day with out end. It doesn't tire or give up but only continues so long as I am breathing. Each day the struggle gets harder and my willpower being drained little by little. I try to hold on it but it is like water threw your fingers. How long before I run dry? How long before I simply give up? How much more until I completely lose control and become the evil that is threatening to consume me?

I don't know where to run or to hide to escape and fear that I may never win this battle to continue. I only know that I will lose if I do not find that secret weapon to overcome this pain.