Strange feelings.

Do you ever get the feeling where you feel like you are flying and nothing in the world could bring you down?

Well I used to be like that a lot but all that came crashing down about 2 years ago when my wife, the love of my life, my first GF, first kiss, first lover, first date, left me for 55 year old man after 2 years of marriage. We had things hard but we were making do with what we had. I still find myself thinking back to what I did that was so horrible, so terrible to cause her to leave. There were times I had convinced myself that I was the problem and it was all my fault. I was completely and utterly shaken. My life was kicked to the ground, dragged across hot coals, shoved threw a meat grinder, then tossed into scorching flames, only to be devoured and expunged as useless waste. It is hard getting over a relationship even harder when you truly love that person and you know deep down you did nothing to deserve what happened.

I seemed to have lost all ambition and the will to get up in the morning even though it has been two long years. I don't cry myself to sleep as I did for weeks and months on end after it first happened but I am still tortured and tormented by ghosts in the night stealing what happiness that I gain during the day. I wish I know how to fix myself but I don't know how but they say it takes time. How much time? Will I waste away before I can pull myself together?

That pain is probably what lead me back to chat rooms and mostly on yahoo. I found one called Christian Chat 20 looking for someone with strong faith and a group to pray for me and save what I was losing then. Needless to say it still hasn't been saved but I did meet friends that made it easier to cope. I didn't keep going back to CC20 for long though as months and days went by, I got angry, very very angry at GOD for allowing my life, my family to be destroyed. What kind of cruel jokes was this? I still feel that anger for GOD sometimes. I feel abandon and hurt that he didn't help. I know that he hears and listens and I am not really angry at him but at my inability to not understand his plan. I begin searching other chat rooms. I went to one called East Texas which was closer to home. Hoping to find someone to sooth my pain but alas I found none. Eventually a friend that I meet from that CC20 chat room got me back into coming. Things were a little different this time.

Either time has started to heal or different more caring people had arrived. One person in particular has been helping bring a smile to my face more often. I find myself looking forward to talking to her and seeing what she has to say but deep down I am scared from past experiences. Scared to get involved, scared to go to fast, scared to tell her how good it feels to talk to her and open up to her. So I keep waiting and waiting worried that I wont be able to be what I would truly want to be. Afraid it is too late to be more than we could be. Worried that I will again have my life destroyed by love. Love is said to be a many splendor thing. I want that splendor cherished feeling but scared to risk too much of myself to get it. I have no answers, only questions. Questions that come and keep me up. That nag on my brain for hours on end. That bring worry to keep me depressed. I want to feel love again but will I ever find it.